When Fear Knocks At Your Door, Don't Answer

This is my submission to the "Real Simple" magazine Life Lessons Essay Contest. The question... If you could change one decision that you made in the past, what would it be?

 

I shouldn’t have let fear in the front door. He knocked; I answered and let him in. I’m not sure when this happened exactly; I know I was too young to realize that this decision would cause me a lifetime of agony. You see, once you welcome fear into your life, he doesn’t leave. He’s always there, hiding in the shadows, waiting for his time.  And if you aren’t strong enough to keep fear in his place, he will try to destroy you.

Some fear is healthy. It brings balance to our lives and without it we would bring ourselves great harm. Fear keeps us from pulling our car into on-coming traffic, for example. Fear of the unknown puts us on the alert when we encounter unfamiliar people and circumstances. It is self-preserving and in some circumstances, a good emotion. On the other side, sometimes fear goes on steroids and marches relentlessly through your life destroying every good thought you can throw at it. Some people call this a symptom of “Depression”.

I have had fear-less times in my life, times when nothing got in the way of my goal. I was strong, decisive, and as FEARLESS as the King of the Jungle. Then something happens and fear smells, well fear, and here he comes. “What if you can’t do it”, “What if you aren’t good enough”, “What if you fail” speed through my brain like the Indy 500, running the endless loop, over and over again until I question every decision I have and will make. Holy crap. Can’t move forward, can’t move back, you are stuck with fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the known, fear of death, fear of life, fear of fear. A regular fear fest.

 One of my biggest (irrational) fears is that I am wasting my life, not doing anything important. Silly huh, especially considering that I am directly responsible for another branch on my family tree.  I have two children, a son and daughter, and my daughter blessed me with three children of her own. I gave five spirits a chance to have a human experience, and a pretty good one at that. I lose sight of this sometimes, this hugely important job that I did. I am so busy fearing that I am just ordinary, I totally miss the point.

Nobody lives forever and nobody is free from fear one hundred percent of the time, these are facts. It is also a fact that you can change your perception of life, choosing to live with faith instead of fear. I have this saying in plain view on my desk and read it often……”Fear knocked at the door, faith answered, no one was there.” I got it out of a fortune cookie, by the way. Faith can mean anything you want it to. For those who believe in a higher power, faith is in their God; those who don’t share this belief system, faith is in something else. I believe in God so my faith in him is helping to keep my fear in check. When I feel fear is inappropriate for the situation, I examine what is happening right now, what was I thinking prior to the feeling of fear and then I remind myself……..you can only have one feeling at a time, which would you rather be feeling, fear or peace?

While writing this article, fear had to give his input. “What if you can’t finish this article”, “What if you don’t win”. Well fear, it’s like this, this is the end of the article so I did finish. And if I don’t win that just means someone else’s article addressed the subject better than mine. So I will continue to write because I love it and because I can. If I could change the decision to allow fear into my life, I would but I can’t change what decisions I made in my past, all I can do now is move forward, one fearless step at a time.

 

Happy Birthday to Ringo and Me, I'm 56 in 56!

Today is my birthday, July 8, 1956. It is also the birthday of my ex-husband, who is 8 hours older than me. And yesterday was Ringo's birthday. I don't know why but I recognize Ringo's birthday every year, have since I was a kid. At least now I Tweet him my wishes. Still waiting for the return Tweet.

This year I'm 56 in 56. How did this happen, how can I be a 56 year old grandmother? Not like I've been in coma or did a Rip Van Winkle, I have been here and aware of the passage of time.

Birthdays are a reminder of that passage, a time of reflection. Which was once a time of excitement, like Christmas, Jr., is now a time of acceptance that time is finite, our journey has an end and you are one year closer to it. I am okay with that.

I admit I do miss the feeling of excitement of the childhood birthday. The good wishes and cake and presents, especially the presents, those were good times. Mom always made your favorite dinner and everybody was really nice to you, even the ones who were not normally, like your bratty little brother. I remember the landmark birthdays, 13, 16, 18, 21.........they brought certain rights and privileges, so the birthdays were a positive experience, and at that time you couldn't wait for your birthday.

After 21 the happy birthday thing went downhill for me. 30 was not a happy birthday. I'm 30, what the hell. That's OLD. Turning 40 evoked a similar reaction, although the realization that I still looked pretty hot smoothed that one out a little. 44 was a real eye opener as I became a grandmother and started dating a 22 year old simultaneously, a confusing time. On my 50th birthday I went out to the mailbox to retrieve the birthday card from Dad with $50 in it (which he discontinued this year BTW) only to be greeted with an invitation to join AARP now that I was qualified. Screw You. So much for 50.

Turning 52 was also a bittersweet birthday. I carried around the irrational fear that I would not make it past my Mom's death age. I did. I made it to 56, hopefully beyond.

55 was a landmark year for me. It's the year that I hit bottom and bounced out of my several years' long transition and started on a new path. 56 will be the year that I move forward.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Love that saying, thanks Brad. Living life is like eating an elephant. Take one bite, chew and savor, swallow then move on to the next piece. Repeat until you run out of elephant. Live until you die...........

P.S. Mom was my hairdresser back then. Yikes.

This blog is dedicated to all the members of the "56 in 56" club. We still ROCK!!!!!

"Father Knows Best". A 50's Era Sitcom and Usually True.

I was an 8-year-old television channel flipper. Remotes hadn't been invented yet, it was the 60's. My Dad is an avid sports fan and on the weekends he enjoyed watching games from his favorite chair on our only tv. The channel knob was just out of reach of his chair, so he gave me the job of flipper. I would sit next to the tv waiting for Dad to give me the signal to flip the knob to the next game he was watching.  It made my Daddy happy and I was content to sit there all day flipping channels so he could watch parts of every game televised. I got to spend time with my Dad while learning about sports.

This is just one of many warm memories I have of Pops, that's what I call him now, and whenever I feel unhappy I go to the memory book in my mind and conjure up a cherished snippet. Works every time. It's hard to feel bad when you recall Dad giggling with delight at his Easter prank. He made bunny pawprints (using mud) arranged in a path through the house that led to our baskets. And I always smile when I remember how we would all clear out when he announced he was going to "fix" something. Ruh-roh he has the screwdriver, run for your life kids. Pops isn't very handy.

As I got older I realized my Dad was wise. When I was 16 shopping for my first car he advised me not to buy the souped-up Pontiac Firebird from the used car lot. Told me I didn't need a car like that. He was right. I bought a brand new Ford Pinto instead and drove it till it died.

My Dad's viewpoint on raising children is simple. Whenever we (I have a younger brother who I still lovingly refer to as Brat) did something stupid, he would say to us "I shoulda raised poodles instead of kids, poodles listen." That was his friendly reminder to us that he was getting frustrated. I have said this to my kids on occasion.

My happy memory book is full of fun times with Pops. He's not going to believe this, he doesn't think we were happy as children. We were happy Pops. Sometimes we seemed unhappy but that's just because we were growing up. We were silly kids, then silly teenagers trying to figure things out. Inside, way down deep, we knew we were loved and we were happy.

We should never live in the past, but it's okay to visit there occasionally. Happy memories can sometimes block an unwanted impression from becoming a negative thought. So on this Father's Day get out the memory book and honor your Dad with the gift of remembrance of a happy childhood memory. He will appreciate it. I know Pops will.




Pops and his gal Sally, the most patient woman in the world!!!!!

Holes. Not the Sigourney Weaver movie, the ones in the Sidewalk of Life.

Portia Nelson wrote "Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters" below.

Chapter I
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter V
I walk down another street.

End.



I fell into the hole. I saw it and fell in anyway. Damn it. I guess I am on Chapter 2. You would think that at the tender age of 55 I would have already advanced to Chapter 3 but this isn't a race. It is about the journey and we all know that we don't really operate at our own pace anyway. The big guy upstairs has that control. So it is in my life's plan that I am coming out of my Chapter 2 hole, finally. I was in there a very long time and coming out of this hole has been a slow process, which I now understand is the way it has to be.

I just finished a book called "Transitions... Making Sense of Life Changes" by William Bridges. I swear he wrote this book for me. I have had this book for a long time, picked it up for fifteen cents at the library book sale years ago. (It was my first book sale and I bought over 100 books.) This book has lasted through the paring-down of my personal library (I realized I could never read all those books and I donated most of them back to the public library). Despite the fact that I wasn't inspired to read it, it kept getting in my way. It would appear on this table or that, shuffled about but not read. Finally one day I picked it up and started to read it. Made it through the first pages and it was ok, but it didn't speak to me. For the next six months it sat next to me on my end table. I would move it occasionally to dust and put it right back. I don't know what prompted me to pick it up a week ago unless it was the pure hopelessness I was feeling, looking for comfort and answers from somewhere.  But here ya go, somehow I picked it up, began to read and as I did a light came on. No choir of angels but definitely a light. HOLY CRAP. This is what's happening to me. This guy KNOWS. So there you have it. There are no coincidences, universe wanted me to read this book and now I know why.

Holes are the way forward. Gotta go down to go up. They say "two steps forward one step back" so I ask, is the one step back down into your hole? Portia doesn't mention falling backward into your hole so I am just going to assume you can because it fits with the two steps forward metaphor. Anyway, for my purposes today it doesn't really matter how many steps forward or back that you take, what matters is what you do when you fall into the "hole".

As I mentioned, I believe I am on Chapter 2 in Portia's "Autobiography" above. I am just coming out of the deepest hole of my life so far. I swear I could smell Chinese food in that hole. Tells you how deep it was. Horrible place, hated going there. Nothingness. Nowhere. Nada. A place where you can't function properly. Emotions are all fractured. You can't think. You can't connect with yourself or others. Life is hopeless and I am lost like the tv show.

What I learned from Mr. Bridge's book is that the way out of the hole is to "Let It Be". Sir Paul McCartney knew something when he wrote this song. He got it. He knew what to do and how to get out. I thought I had it too until I experienced this hole and realized I wasn't quite as evolved as I thought. You lose your reasoning in the hole. I got it now Sir Paul. Just "Let it Be" people. You have to go back to nothing to become something again. Go "Down in the Hole"(Alice in Chains) and "Let it Be"(The Beatles).  Then one day you will be like the Phoenix rising out of the ashes. Reborn.

Read his book if you feel like you are in a hole. It may be the ladder that you have been stumbling around in the dark looking for. It was for me. Thank you William Bridges.







Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with Mr. Bridges. I am just a girl who read a book and now wants to help other people in her situation get out alive.

I dedicate this post to my Adventuregirl buddy Kim. Like the book you keep coming up, guess the universe wants us to do something..........come on you know you wanna........

From My Mother's Mouth To My Daughter's Ears......Fulfill Your Desire

The mother-daughter relationship is a slippery slope.  Love them, hate them, love them.........I can speak of my relationship with my mother only in the past tense. She passed in 1983 when I was 27 and had two babies to bring up, now without her. There isn't a day goes by that I don't think of her. Mom's advice to me before she died was this......."Fulfill your Desire"........... that's basically what she said. She wasn't eloquent, she said do what you want to do in this life, don't look back with regret at not having done that which you desire. I wasn't able to fulfill this until now. I've lived my life but was busy trying to keep my head above water with those two kids to raise and all. Now is my time. I know this in my heart of hearts. I will not leave this life without doing this, for myself and for my Mom. I AM FULFILLING MY DESIRE.

There are several parts to my desire, it isn't just one thing. I wanted to do something important with my life, outside of the whole raising kids and family stuff. I had no idea what that "itch and burn" in my soul was until this year. Then I realized.......I want to be a writer. I had no freaking idea this was my desire until I stumbled into it. Well, we all know there are no coincidences so "stumbled into it"  should be "when God helped me to realize it." I love writing.  I am doing something important that exists outside of my maternal responsibilities. Something just for me. My Desire. Part 1.

And now I pass on this advice to you my daughter, because part of my Desire is for you to "Fulfill Your Desire." My Desire. Part 2. I know that it's hard raising three kids by yourself but you are doing the best job you possibly can and I am so proud of you. So is she. You may not know what it is yet, this Desire, just like I didn't until now. It's there, though and will present itself when the time is right.

I miss my Mom every single day but I know that her spirit lives on in me, my kids and my grand kids. I know she is smiling down on me now because I got it. Yes Mom, I really got it. Thank you and I love you.

A special note to my son Jesse. I know this post talks about your sister and doesn't mention you. Everything that I am saying to Jocelyn applies to you. It's just that this is a Mother's Day article and she is a Mother! I love you both, equally and want the same for you both. Equally.

Namaste Mothers everywhere. And we all know that every day really is Mother's Day.

Mom and Dad Wedding Day 1955

This is dedicated to my mom, Marion. And to my Aunt Claire who took over over being my "Muv" after she left. Thank you. And to my Aunt Cheryl for her support of my work. You Rock!

What We Can Learn From Adam Yauch and Junior Seau

This is not a humorous post. The passing of spirit from one life to another is a serious topic. I didn't know either of these gentlemen and I never will because last week they both passed. One by his own hand, the other by disease. My condolences and blessings to their families.

Adam Yauch had no choice in his departure. His human body was terminally ill, which is God's way of ending this part of our journey. God called him home.


Junior Seau felt he had no choice in his departure. His spirit was terminally ill and Junior chose not to continue his journey. God allowed him to come home.



Despite the words to the "Mash" theme song, suicide is not painless. It causes the ones left behind to swirl in their own version of Hell....why didn't he tell me he was unhappy I could have fixed it for him, how could he do that... we are left with questions. No answers are coming, we must be satisfied knowing that this is what they felt they had to do. You must also remember that God allowed this to happen.

I know something about this subject. My grandfather decided to end his life, as did my beloved Brian's father, and very recently his good friend. Several years ago my good friend also ended his life and I was shocked. Never saw it coming. Most of the time you won't because most people do not announce their pain. They try to deal with it themselves. And then one day they just give up.

The bottom line folks is be kind to everyone you meet. You do not know what they are dealing with. Plato said it best:

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

Greek author & philosopher in Athens (427 BC - 347 BC)

Namaste.

Look Out, Not Down......

What is your posture right now, at this minute? Are you sitting straight up in your chair, head held high looking out onto your computer screen?


 Or are you slumped over, shoulders slouched with your head tilted down, eyes tilted up?

 


Be honest, there's no prize for the correct answer. You can't move forward if you don't know where you are right now.

In order to illustrate my point, look at your posture when you drive. If you sit slumped over the wheel looking down at the pavement chances are very good that you will crash, you can't see what is up ahead. When you drive, as when you live, you must look out, not down. Back straight, shoulders back, head and chin held high. Hard NOT to "look out" if you physically put yourself into this position. Same with your outlook on life. Focus completely on where you are right now and you have no idea where you are heading. If you look out you can see where you are now as well as where you are going, much better for you and the car!

 Don't look down, look out toward your destination ............Namaste.




Thank you for the inspiration T.

Ruh-Roh I've Been Called To The Boardroom By Donald Trump

Donald J. Trump is my "inner-entrepreneur" as well as my "inner truth-teller". While most of my inner selves are fictional, based mainly on television characters, there are a few real folks who inspire me. Mr. Trump is one of those. He is a look-you-in-the-eye-and-tell-you-the-truth-kind of guy.  I admire that especially in this society of excuse givers and it's somebody else's fault-ers. You did it, you own it. You didn't do it, you own that too.

Most of the time I can go into myself and figure out an inner conflict. There are times though, that I can't seem to pull it all together enough to even get started. I have that "nagging feeling" or am out of sorts and a simple trip to Selfville isn't accomplishing my goal. That's when I go to the "Boardroom" or as I now call it the "Brainroom". 

I have found that by conducting a meeting with "myselves" and treating my unease like a work project, I can identify the problem and come to a solution, or at least move in the right direction. I use a whiteboard or poster paper, as opposed to typing on the 'puter. Just my preference. Let's get started.....

It's simple really.

1. Make the decision to go "inside" yourself in a big way.

2. Allow all of your facets a voice. This is not a time to block impressions even if they are negative.You have to have all information so you can analyze later, if necessary.

3. Set a time limit, say one hour of uninterrupted space where you can just allow your mind to communicate.

4. Again write down every thought, every impression, free-writing........ no self editing!

5. Stop when your time is up, or for me I know I am done for now when either or both of these things happen.........I begin to go back and "edit" my comments and/or I feel a sense of relief. Just getting things out, identifying, sometimes creates a sense of relief or accomplishment.

6. Put your notes away. I can't tell you when to go back to them, you will know when you are ready to move forward and address your issues. This exercise just gives you a starting point for self discovery.

There is one thing that I know I will not hear when I end this process. "You're Fired" is not an option. "You're Healed" is what I am looking for. And I will get to that eventually. It just takes time and patience. The very act of opening the dialog to your inner selves is a huge accomplishment. Putting your feelings into written words will allow you the opportunity to see where you are, where you are going, and if necessary, change direction.

Some folks journal, I call a meeting. After all, I'm not telling "The Donald" that I can't figure this out. Trumps don't quit and neither do I. Namaste.